Day 10 – Hanging in there…

I gave into a craving yesterday morning.  My stubborn toddler appetite wanted fast food for breakfast and I’d denied her for a few days.  See?  I was a responsible parent to my appetite a few days and she wore me down.  (Here comes the justification… wait for it…)

BUT… I got a breakfast burrito at Burger King rather than the much higher fat croissant sandwich.  It still has eggs, cheese, and sausage, but in a single, regular-size tortilla.  And when I got home, I had some fruit with it and coffee.  The rest of the day went fine as planned.   Today, my appetite didn’t make any such demands having been sated with yesterdays slip.  Usually, just one bad choice would have permanently derailed me, leading me to a fast food lunch and possibly pizza for dinner and then the next day, why bother.  But I did it.  I gave in a little and was then successful.

I’m tired these days.  The world is wearing me down, and that makes me want to gorge on my comfort foods… macaroni and cheese, cookies, chocolate, crackers.  I’m sensing a pattern here.  So I’m a stress eater.  I feel stressed and out of control because there are so many things going on in life (not directly… the family is fine) that I cannot control by even a tiny bit.  Yeah, I can write letters, get involved, carry a sign, wear a banner, vote… but honestly, I don’t see that it makes a bit of difference in how things will turn out.  That makes me very frustrated and, well, angry.

So I guess I’m an angry, stressed eater.

I slept a lot last weekend.  It’s just easier sometimes to pull up the covers and sleep.  I have my handy, dandy MP3 with some wonderful Tingstad and Rumbel on it, so it’s soothing and comforting, drifts me right off to sleep.  And sleep I did.  Joe let me, for a change.  I guess if we can’t go out for breakfast, there’s no reason to get me up early.  Perhaps I’m a tad depressed.  The antidepressants can only take care of so much.

Okay… I’m an angry, stressed, depressed eater.  There’s another pattern!

At least Joe has been happy lately.  Not because of the world of course, but because we’re actually sticking the plan.  He and Bren are doing the bike more often and have had more energy.  I’m getting a handle on the the appetite brat.  And when JOE is happy, he cooks.  He bakes.  He creates.  And then I’M happy because we can EAT tasty treats!

All right… now we’re getting somewhere I think.  I’m an angry, stressed, depressed, happy eater.

Angry + Stressed + Depressed + Happy = EMOTIONAL EATER

When I’m on spectrum of emotion, I eat.  When I’m working, I’m usually just neutral (unless I have a job from this one doctor in particular… grr…) and I don’t really want to snack much.  Well, that, and anything I eat makes noise from inside and that makes it hard to hear what the doctors are saying.

But one news story… or one problem with Brendan and the school… or thinking about the world… or enjoying an evening with my family… all peaks and valleys give me the desire to consume.

Okay… okay… this is good stuff right here.  I don’t just feed the anger or the depression… I feed the EMOTION.

So that leaves me with a few choices here… I either need a lobotomy (do they even DO those anymore?).  Or I need a hobby.   Or I need to find some type of outlet to feed the emotions other than food.  Or I need to have a food available that is healthy to have occasionally to feed the emotion.

We’ve done some really good work here, people!  Take a break and we’ll re-convene sometime in the next few days to discuss our options.  🙂


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